I've been thinking a lot lately about the intersection between love and sex. Friends and I were talking recently about how a woman responds to sex differently than a man and that this difference has been scientifically substantiated. When we women have sex and orgasm, we are lucky to be flooded with that magical oxytocin elixir. Read below (taken from an on-line article written by Jennifer Roback Morse):
"Women connect to their sex partners, and to their children, due to a hormone called oxytocin. Women secrete this hormone during orgasm, and while breast feeding. Oxytocin creates a response of 'attach and connect.' It promotes attachment between a mother and her newborn infant, so that she will enjoy taking care of the helpless infant’s needs. Oxytocin promotes her connection with her sex partner, who after all, may become the father of her child. All this is nature’s way of keeping the woman bonded to her child and to her child’s father."
Interesting, huh? When talking to my mom recently about having sex and not wanting to be attached to the person, she said essentially, "Honey, you'd have to have a heart of stone to not become attached." And she's absolutely right. It's amazing how having sex with someone almost instantaneously changes our view of that person. All of a sudden, he has a golden aura about him. His words are like music and his touch is pure magic. I find myself thinking that having casual sex is a dangerous act, indeed. It's like playing russian roulette with our fragile hearts. And yet, I am too afraid to surrender my heart to fully be in love. In my mind and body, love = serious pain. The poem below is my attempt to explore all of this. I hope you enjoy.
Touching you
I touch the stars
Moonlight streams across your face
Just feel, you say
Feel the fire
and all the oceans
the wet forests
and driving rains
Feel me
and God entering you
Skin to Skin
God is present in that smallest of spaces
between two naked bodies
even if we refuse to feel such presence
I don’t want to fall in love
I later tell you
But, how do I not do this
when you are so close and deep?
Your very breath enters me, sweet and intoxicating
How painful to keep a heart guarded
And yet, how necessary for me
now
I have not entered the fire
but will myself around it
taunt it even
throw things into it
watch them burn up
and dissolve into smoke and ashes
sometimes I even claim the fire as mine
but it’s just a game
just play
I have had friends tell me
they were born to be mothers
born to something clear as pure truth
Me,
I have inklings
I have lusts
and imaginings
The fire dances wickedly in my soul
and certain things touch me,
deeply
like music
like new lovers whispering sweetness
like the ocean roaring its white foam
around my body
like singing voices in harmony
like naked skin
But, my dark heart
feels scarred
beyond
such blue outlined knowing
of real love
Too afraid
of that black abyss
waiting to swallow me up
that’s what falling in love
feels like
I prefer now to just dance
heart open to other things
not falling in love
not that
Moonlight streams across your face
Just feel, you say
Feel the fire
and all the oceans
the wet forests
and driving rains
Feel me
and God entering you
Skin to Skin
God is present in that smallest of spaces
between two naked bodies
even if we refuse to feel such presence
I don’t want to fall in love
I later tell you
But, how do I not do this
when you are so close and deep?
Your very breath enters me, sweet and intoxicating
How painful to keep a heart guarded
And yet, how necessary for me
now
I have not entered the fire
but will myself around it
taunt it even
throw things into it
watch them burn up
and dissolve into smoke and ashes
sometimes I even claim the fire as mine
but it’s just a game
just play
I have had friends tell me
they were born to be mothers
born to something clear as pure truth
Me,
I have inklings
I have lusts
and imaginings
The fire dances wickedly in my soul
and certain things touch me,
deeply
like music
like new lovers whispering sweetness
like the ocean roaring its white foam
around my body
like singing voices in harmony
like naked skin
But, my dark heart
feels scarred
beyond
such blue outlined knowing
of real love
Too afraid
of that black abyss
waiting to swallow me up
that’s what falling in love
feels like
I prefer now to just dance
heart open to other things
not falling in love
not that
