New Year Glitch

I had a dream last night about an old boyfriend. When I woke up, I had no recollection of the details, only the lasting sensation of a bittersweet dream. As the day has worn on, I have remembered the dream and the details have left me feeling this strange sense of sadness. It's the kind of sadness that comes when we allow ourselves to ask the difficult question, "what if?" I have a string of them - the details aren't necessary but it's a new year and I find myself wanting to do things in a new way so as to minimize future regret. Having said this, I'm still asking myself the "what if" questions.

Yesterday I ran into an old lover. (Do lovers ever really become old?) That was sad too. It's always sad for me when I lose a connection with someone, especially someone with whom I had a really sweet thing. But, what can I expect? I was gone and spending time with someone else in a beautiful, sunny country. That someone else is still there in the sun and I'm here, thousands of miles away struggling with post-vacation depression. And my last lover is with his old girlfriend, or so I hear. I am reminded of that movie, Once. If you haven't seen it, I recommend it. These two musicians find one another and make amazing music together. Watching how they are together, you imagine by the end that they will end up together but they don't. He has an ex-girlfriend who has inspired most of his songs and she has a child with another man who, in the end, she returns to. And so, while most of us hope for the romance of it all, life just sometimes works out a certain way. Maybe we have a choice and maybe we don't. Maybe we get attached to someone and maybe that's just the way it is even if someone better and more exciting and even more compatible comes along. Maybe it's out of comfort we stay with someone. Maybe it's just easier than investing our heart in a new thing that's so fragile. And so we stay with the status quo.

Nevertheless, it is a new year. For me, a new year always brings a certain amount of restlessness. You'd think I'd be over this having just traveled for three and a half months. I guess traveling wasn't the antidote. Instead, I think the antidote will be found in some serious soul-searching and, ironically, staying still for a bit. I've seen some things and need to integrate them. This integration, I hope will bring me to the next place in my life and will help me to clarify certain things. I welcome the newness and fresh insights. Bring it on.