Sucker punched by love

Dedicated to Z, wherever you are, whatever you're doing...

I carry your heart with me (i carry it in

my heart) i am never without it (anywhere

i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done

by only me is your doing, my darling)

i fear

no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want

no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you



here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)



-e.e. cummings



So, today is Valentine's Day. (It's also Mimi's birthday - Happy Birthday!) And last night, grief dragged me from the dance floor and got me in a half nelson, leaving me begging on my knees for mercy. It's always amazing to me how this happens. I'm going along fine and then all of a sudden, good ole heartsick, lovesick grief takes his last inhale of a cigarette, throws it down, smashes it with his foot and comes roaring after me. Doesn't he have better things to do? Humor aside, last night was a rough one. Makes me wonder what kind of sick thing love is to twist us all up, wring us out, leave us panting on the floor. It's so good when it's good and so bad when it's bad and gone.

The worst part of it is the thinking that love may never happen again. That was it, last call, going, going, gone... It only happens to other people. Other people get married, have kids, buy a house together, go on exotic vacations. Not me, nope. Not yet, anyway. Am I too strong? Too stubborn? Too uncompromising? Too compromising? Too weak? Too what?! I know I'm asking the wrong questions here. I know there's also no right questions. Life just putters along and we grab hold when we can and let go when we need to. Still, I didn't want to let go of this one. I don't want to let go of this one. So maybe I won't, for now. I'll just hang on until my heart says, "okay, no more." I'll love across miles, across ocean, across sky and over many time zones. I'll speak to you in my mind, from my heart and only there.

Happy Valentine's Day to all.

Cuts like a machete

I have a confession and an apology to make.

Apology first:
I'm sorry for the lack of pictures! I can't seem to upload them onto my site. I was just reading a friend's blog where he wrote that a blog without pictures is a half-assed blog indeed. And I agree! I want to ameliorate the problem but, alas, my hands are tied. Another complication is that I have yet to invest in a digital camera. So, for the time being, my friends, may words be enough.

Confession:
I am terrible at sending birthday cards. My mom happened to bring this to my attention today. My point was that I call - isn't that enough? It's a bunch of consumeristic, hallmark crap anyway isn't it? I do believe in honoring someone on their birthday. I know I like getting cards. But I also prefer handmade things or a phone call or whatever kind of acknowledgement someone wants to give me. So, enough said about that.

Right now, outside of my office, someone has been using a leaf-blower for God knows how fucking long. These are one of the most absurd inventions ever made. They're noisy, stupid, wasteful and, for what? To move some leaves around! I must go on a rant about this because there are some things that are intolerable and this is one of them. My other rant is plastic bags. I have a friend staying with me now, God love him, but for the life of me, I don't understand why whenever he gets food of some sort, he comes back with it in a plastic bag. If he were a nimwit of some sort, I would understand, but he's not. And it's something we've talked about. If there's one small thing that people can do to make one iota of a difference, it's refusing to take a plastic bag. You know what I think the problem is? We get caught up so much in the big, huge problems that we face that we forget about all of the little things that we can do that add up to big change. This friend of mine was an Environmental Studies major in college so he's aware of all the big ideas and theories and blah, blah, blah, but when it comes time to put that theory into practice, there's some kind of disconnect.

I've been reading this Joseph Campbell book and last night I read a passage where he states that people would rather go to a lecture about heaven than go to heaven themselves. I really think he's got a good point. Most people would rather (and do!) sit at home, lounging on their comfortable couch while living their lives vicariously through some stupid reality show than living their own life marvelously. I want to be intoxicated by my own life. But it's easier, in a way isn't it, to sit back and stay clean, to not dirty ourselves with the disappointments, the challenges, the decision-making. Life is fucking hard sometimes. We get our hearts broken, our feet stepped on, people telling us, "No, you can't do that!" But screw 'em. Do it anyway. Find a way. Make a way. Get out your machete and take down those weeds that block the path. I find this is my greatest goal this year: to live a life of bliss and magic. I'll still pay my bills, and pay the fucking IRS, and get my car fixed but I have made a promise to be extraordinary this year, to move in new ways and think in new ways, to cut out the bullshit and get to it already.

By God, I will get some pictures on here!

Dancing like mad

I've been feeling very content lately - ever since my last posting, really. I have discovered, or maybe rediscovered, the incredible healing that comes with dance, especially when it's a freeform, let loose, anything goes kind of dancing. This past sunday, I went to another ecstatic dance session and really let go. The music was pumping and the air was electric. At one point while jumping and swaying my hips and kicking my legs and dancing with the people around me, I smiled and the smile came from deep within my heart. I felt truly free and happy and connected to everyone around me. It felt so good to just let go and give my body over to the music that pulsated throughout the room. And what was so great was that everyone else was doing a similar thing. We were all there in that big room with our shoes off, dancing like mad!

I've been thinking a lot lately that the beauty of being an adult is that we can do all the things we wanted to do as kids but weren't able to do for some reason or another. Dance has always been one of these desires for me. And it's not as if I have a desire to be a professional dancer or anything like that. It's more that I feel so alive and vibrant when I'm dancing. It's an essential form of self-expression for me. Everything about it is exciting - the movement, the music, the sweat and blisters, the people around me. It's electric! Just thinking about it makes me yearn for the next time I can let go and dance (which, fortunately, is tomorrow night!)

I am devoting this year to myself. I am planning on doing all those things that I've been wanting to do for a long time but keep putting off. And if I don't do them this year, I am at least planning for them. Here's one of the things on this list: returning to Italy for a dance workshop and also to officially learn Italian.

So, what's on your list?